My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
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When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Uh oh…
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
January has been Januweary
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.