“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
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They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Netflix and you sit over there.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.