Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
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My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
How dude HOW?!
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”