@4SLars

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.

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@leannuh

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

@Hobo_Splendido

I improve my body image by watching shows with increasingly fatter characters

@wickedimproper

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

@GinAndJif

My transformation from ugly duckling to beautiful swan must be buffering…

@emmatheist

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

@dshack8

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

@itshotterhere

9 y/o daughter: dad, what’s your favourite healthy food?
Me: fruits. Your’s?
9: Eggs
Me: Good
9: like Reese’s peanut butter eggs

@Skoogeth

everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine

@jellybnbonanza

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.