Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
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I improve my body image by watching shows with increasingly fatter characters
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
My transformation from ugly duckling to beautiful swan must be buffering…
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
9 y/o daughter: dad, what’s your favourite healthy food?
Me: fruits. Your’s?
9: like Reese’s peanut butter eggs
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.