@Tbone7219

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

You Might Also Like

@shariv67

I sleep with my grandad’s WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.

@TheCatWhisprer

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

@mattZillaaaa

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

@distracdad

Paper plates were invented by a guy whose wife asked him to do the dishes once.

@darrinfb

I just found a halloween candy on my lawn and ate it.

So I guess I AM able to live off the land if I ever needed to.

@samalmightysam

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

@justabloodygame

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

@OhhCathcart

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

@Breadery

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

@notmythirdrodeo

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.