I sleep with my grandad’s WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
You Might Also Like
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Paper plates were invented by a guy whose wife asked him to do the dishes once.
I just found a halloween candy on my lawn and ate it.
So I guess I AM able to live off the land if I ever needed to.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.