My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
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SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.