my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
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“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
October already? What’s next? November????
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.