My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*