My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
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Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
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I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Krampus.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
im all 3
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.