My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
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ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?