@ilovepie84

My neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. Today he broke his leg so I had to put him down.

You Might Also Like

@popcorn_dog

[Dark room]

**taco crunch**

Employee [shines flashlight at me]: Sir you cannot eat in the planetarium

**slow taco crunch**

@sixfootcandy

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

@OctopusCaveman

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

@NYC_Blonde

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

@julietactually

him: what are u wearing
me: overalls
him: do u want to slip into something more comfortable
me: more comfortable than overalls? wtf

@ariscott

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

@Mom_Overboard

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

@cybersoybean

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons