Employee [shines flashlight at me]: Sir you cannot eat in the planetarium
**slow taco crunch**
My neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. Today he broke his leg so I had to put him down.
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Megan with an h? Whatever Hmegan….
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
him: what are u wearing
him: do u want to slip into something more comfortable
me: more comfortable than overalls? wtf
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons