@ieatanddrink

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

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@simoncholland

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

@Kamikaze_Blonde

Joan of Arc was sainted but I’m the only person in our house who replaces the toilet paper and nobody says a word.

@schumoo

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

@PJTLynch

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

@KentWGraham

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

@naazihah

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

@staufff

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

@WilliamAder

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.