My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
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I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Nice try Hitler
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
is this meant to deter me
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”