*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
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No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
The pasta is now
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night