My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
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Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.