Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
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Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.