@Eightinchgoat

My neighbor seriously just asked me, “Does Canada have 4th of July?”

I said “No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh?

I need to move.

You Might Also Like

@Cpin42

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

@glenc217

Shockingly, the gyroscope is NOT a device used to locate Greek restaurants.

@M3lissaMcDonald

I just spent the last four hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt.

Complete waist of time.

@tastefactory

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

@kyle_thatisall

If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.

@AbbyHasIssues

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

@jimmytorosian

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

@funderlaw

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.