My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
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[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Well, this is awkward
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”