My neighbor seriously just asked me, “Does Canada have 4th of July?”

I said “No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh?

I need to move.

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The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming


Shockingly, the gyroscope is NOT a device used to locate Greek restaurants.


I just spent the last four hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt.

Complete waist of time.


I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.


If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.


People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.


Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad


I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.