My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
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wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.