@LaLuchaNix: My neighbor shouldn't put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn't want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
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@schlimp: Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder? Me: I'd trapped myself in a Tupperware container Cop: Damn, that's an air tight alibi
@marinhubka: You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If "mom" is even your real name... [Neighbor to mom] hi Susan! *kid faints*
@3sunzzz: It's like my grandma always used to say, "Don't go to the grocery store hungry and don't go to the liquor store drunk."
@SortaBad: "President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?" The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery