@LaLuchaNix: My neighbor shouldn't put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn't want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
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@liv_thatsme: Holy shit, I thought my stepmother showed up at my house dressed as Pennywise, but THANK GOD, it was just him.
@SteveSuckington: Wife: [looking at bank statement] what's this huge charge from Clones R Us? Me: [sends group text to 7 other me's] she's on to us
@restinpeacethot: my girl said she wanna travel so i handed her a basketball & told her “take three steps”