my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
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To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
groan^2
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?