My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
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The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”