[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
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[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?