My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
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[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?