My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
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A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Cardio Made Easy
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :