Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
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People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.