My neighbor told me she doesn’t care what people think about her. So I told her I think about her naked. Turns out she’s a hypocrite.

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Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”


Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.


Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”


Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”


Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…


Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.


Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then


I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.


My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.


Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.