My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
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[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Left at a local drug store…
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them