My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

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Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”


Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?


I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.


My husband showed me beautiful flowers on his phone & said, “Look, I got you some flowers.”

So I put them in a vase of water.



[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows


Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.


Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood