@GoddessTitty

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

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@SteveSuckington

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

@OINKimmaPIG

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

@SnarkyMommy78

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

@merewillis

My husband showed me beautiful flowers on his phone & said, “Look, I got you some flowers.”

So I put them in a vase of water.

#LastLaugh

@dyldonot

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

@BoydPetrich

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

@MrEd_EVH

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood