My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
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I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Good morning
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry