My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
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“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.