My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
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Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.