me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
You Might Also Like
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My Executive Director said to me “Well aren’t you an eager beaver”
I was like “Oh my God, Why? What have you heard???”
The groundhog in our town died on Sunday. I can’t imagine how long our winter will be now.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.