My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

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Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread


[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?


I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.


[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”


[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?


[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.


First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.


i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day


sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????


Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*