My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

You Might Also Like


god: make a guy who brings children presents

angel: aww that’s nice

god: have him slide through chimneys at night

angel: wait what

god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses

angel: dude


On a scale from 1 – overweight black woman, how confident are you?


ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink



My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.


The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”



My milk of magnesia brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, you sounded younger on the phone.


If you’re walking past an old abandoned house & the front door opens for no reason, go into that house.