My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
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Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Wednesday
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas