@MarcusTheToken

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

You Might Also Like

@rockymomax

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

@LegoGodzilla

[first date]

GIRL: When you said “fitness freak” in your profile, this isn’t what I expected

HALF-MAN/HALF-TREADMILL: It was an old photo

@TheAttachedGF

You think we should see other people? I’m bipolar. I am other people.

@gavinpivott

A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

@UncleDuke1969

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

@CheeseDaydreams

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

@JediGigi

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

@UnFitz

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.