ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
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GIRL: When you said “fitness freak” in your profile, this isn’t what I expected
HALF-MAN/HALF-TREADMILL: It was an old photo
You think we should see other people? I’m bipolar. I am other people.
A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.