My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

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met a woman in a bathroom line last night who told me she was a writer and I said I was one too and she was like “oh we’re that Spiderman meme” and then we both immediately, instinctively pointed fingers at each other and I’m still thinking about it


*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper


PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.


“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom


Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.


[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo


My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”



[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.