My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
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If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…