met a woman in a bathroom line last night who told me she was a writer and I said I was one too and she was like “oh we’re that Spiderman meme” and then we both immediately, instinctively pointed fingers at each other and I’m still thinking about it
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
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*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
It’s called the Alarmadillo
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.