My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
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Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
apparently this year was written by stephen king
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that