My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
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You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
bought wrong eggs
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever