My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

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if you’re in a sports bar but don’t understand sports just keep repeating the phrase “damn they gotta get him the ball.” everyone will agree


*gets down on 1 knee*
*puts 2nd knee down*
*lays on floor*
*snake noises*
*slithers out of relationship*


*points w/ middle finger*

“Sure, take this road for about another mile, pull over & go ask someone else”

– Me giving directions.


Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.


No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything


That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*


7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!


My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.


[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing


[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free