My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
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My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Sorry. Not sorry
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.