@SadMeterologist

My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

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@tigersgoroooar

if you’re in a sports bar but don’t understand sports just keep repeating the phrase “damn they gotta get him the ball.” everyone will agree

@pleatedjeans

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

@Cpez38

*points w/ middle finger*

“Sure, take this road for about another mile, pull over & go ask someone else”

– Me giving directions.

@Just__J0

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

@my_minivan_life

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

@internetluke

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

@AndyJokedAgain

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

@KentWGraham

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

@DanMentos

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

@david8hughes

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free