@tigersgoroooar
if you’re in a sports bar but don’t understand sports just keep repeating the phrase “damn they gotta get him the ball.” everyone will agree
@SadMeterologist
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
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@tigersgoroooar
@pleatedjeans
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
@Cpez38
*points w/ middle finger*
“Sure, take this road for about another mile, pull over & go ask someone else”
– Me giving directions.
@Just__J0
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
@my_minivan_life
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
@internetluke
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
@AndyJokedAgain
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
@KentWGraham
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
@DanMentos
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, itβs walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
@david8hughes
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free