@JohnLyonTweets

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

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@Darlainky

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

@Muath_tu

My neighbor doesn’t like it when I put garbage in his backyard so I stopped burying people there.

@KindOfASmartass

I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored

@Jake_Vig

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

@shamans_heal

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

@professorkiosk

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

@thenatewolf

Mom: I brought you into this world and I can take you out

Me: Who taught you about laws, mom? Granny?

Granny: I’m allowed to kill everyone

@reczit

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

@yonewt

my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community