My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
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The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
This dude got his own movie?
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Monday
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks