INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
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I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.