I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
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People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Probably my best painting.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time