My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
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WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.