My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
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Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
got so much cardio in today
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.