My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
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[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
yes… yes…
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.