My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
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Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
God, I love Scotland
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids