My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
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I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
beware of dog
Lmao
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.