My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
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I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I feel seen
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.