A vegan girl told me that, “If you eat beef, you’re basically a velociraptor.”
In what world is that not totally awesome.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
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Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for. nnNow, I don’t even walk into the right room
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
My kid keeps getting his pants leg wrapped in the chain of his bike, it’s a vicious cycle.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.