My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

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A vegan girl told me that, “If you eat beef, you’re basically a velociraptor.”

In what world is that not totally awesome.


Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…


Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once


As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.



I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…


Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.


Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for. nnNow, I don’t even walk into the right room


Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael


My kid keeps getting his pants leg wrapped in the chain of his bike, it’s a vicious cycle.


Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.