@LarrysTwin99

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

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@UncleDuke1969

*climbs into windowless van*

*puts on “Free Hugs” t-shirt*

*heads out to make new friends*

*fails*

*waits for lawyer in windowless room*

@Bownuggets

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

@GoldenSpirals

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

@SondraDeeMe

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

@justokpanda

I’m sorry I can’t make your party but this LEGO treehouse submarine skate park princess castle isn’t just going to build itself

@ThaJawn

*breathes on window creating condensation

*starts to write in condensation

*sneezes

*head slams into window and breaks it

@DurtMcHurtt

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

@omgshuddup

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack