My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

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Twitter is perfect for men, because with men brevity is key. Beyond 140 characters they know they’re going to say something wrong.


When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.


In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.


shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch


Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub


“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined


I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.


Is 6 celebrity impersonations too small a number for me to do on this first date? I feel like its a little low…


I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”


Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*