My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
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Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time