My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

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What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?


Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?


ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*


Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!

Nurse: what’s her name?

Me: well we both love Kit Kats

Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?

Me: meet Wafer


You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.


This vodka tastes strange, kinda like I’m not going to work tomorrow.


Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆


Any 2 white guys could walk up to me and say “we’re The Chainsmokers” and I’d believe them.


I feel creepy every time I ‘follow’ someone. Where are they going to take me? I hope its somewhere good


The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.