My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
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Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah