My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

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Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.


[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*


I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.


My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.


[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?


I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.


Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.


Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!


Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad


I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”


[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*