Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
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[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*