My neighbors headboard kept me up last night so I yelled,” the guy last night made her scream louder.” Then it got quiet..

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Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire



Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”


Me: I think I’m having a heart attack.
Her: Fingers crossed!


Susan broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.


My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there


“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.


I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.


I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.