@redhotirish75

My neighbors headboard kept me up last night so I yelled,” the guy last night made her scream louder.” Then it got quiet..

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@BoomBoomBetty

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

@Rollinintheseat

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

@_steamy_mac

Me: I think I’m having a heart attack.
Her: Fingers crossed!

@omgthatspunny

Susan broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

@six_2_and_even

My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there

@Vice_Queen

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

@Gorilla_Turd

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

@SteveKoehler22

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.