@envydatropic

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

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@robfee

Lynyrd Skynyrd wrote a song about how great Alabama is, and the only thing they could come up with is that the sky is really blue.

@OctopusCaveman

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

@dadmann_walking

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

@SirEvisiae

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

@WeeMissBea

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

@briangaar

I’m just looking for a woman who is smart, funny & can drive a getaway car tomorrow morning at 8

@UncleDuke1969

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

@Love_bug1016

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.