My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
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Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Well. That’s not a good sign.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?